On the Fence With Findom

Findom is a kink that always has people on the fence. Either you're for it or against (or have no idea it exists). I personally believe Findom is a valid kink and in this writing I'll explain what Findom is, why there are mixed reviews about it, and what can be done to "bring it back to kink."

To start, what is findom?

Findom is a kink where someone finds sexual and/or mental pleasure in sending and/or recieving money. It is usually a part of a D/s dynamic, but doesn't have to be. (Note: Some people refer to it as a "luxury kink." and that the sub has to be rolling in dough to participate. I don't agree. Anyone can participate in Findom, you just have to find the right Domme and/or sub for you!)

The dynamic is usually a female Dom/me (Findomme) and male sub (finsubs/paypigs). But there are also male Findoms (Cashmasters) and female subs (femsubs) as well. Any sexual orientation and dynamic can use the findom kink.

What findom is not: content selling, tit-for-tat scenerios, abusing vulnerable people, stealing money, unethical, getting money for being "hot" or a "woman", professional domming, (There's debate about findom being considered sex work, and I'll touch on my opinions about that at the end of this writing).

Sounds simple, right? So, what's there to be on the fence about?

Simple answer: Misinformation spread by people who have either never been in a dynamic that involved findom or that were abused by a "Dom/me" (or in some cases, a "sub") and feel scorned by it (Usually, these are subs who didn't research the kink properly or vet*).

Findom is kink that is easily explotiable and abusive, if one isn't careful. (Note: anytime "Dom/me" appears, it means a fake Dom/me/ abuser. Same with "sub." Imagine air quotations.)

So, how do these so called "Dom/mes" and "subs" abuse the kink?

Let's start with the Ds. They're not actually Dom/mes. They use the title to find people who are exploring the findom kink (or being a sub in general) or find people into content buying and use their looks alone to pull them into a nonexistent dynamic. They do none of the "behind the scenes" requirements that are involved in an actual D/s dynamic. They don't believe in limits or safe words. They don't let the sub set a budget and/or respect the sub's budget. They do not offer a safe place for the sub to explore. They won't explore other kinks along side findom. They don't let the sub have a voice. They are solely there for the money. They usually claim: they're "Unethical Dommes," who are there to destroy men (regardless of if that's the subs wants or not) and that other "ethical"** Dom/mes are just "faildoms." Let's be clear: That is not findom. That is not kink. That is abuse.

Now, clearly it's easier for a sub to be abused in these types of dynamics, and that's where findom gets a bad reputation. But, for the sake of discussion and covering all points, they're are people who will try to prey on Dom/mes new to the findom scene and claim to be subs.

These are people who either a) act like finsubs to try and get free content (or a femdom dynamic) without ever paying tribute* or contributing to the findom kink. b) treat Findom/mes like a kink dispenser/contnet creator because of the money aspect to the findom kink. c) will actively attempt to dox Dom/mes to get what they want. None of these scenerios contain a true sub, because a true sub would not try to take advantage of a Dom/me or wish harm upon them.

Both sides can be guilty, but most of the abusers are on the dominant side of things. This is a big problem, because it makes it harder to show that findom isn't abuse.

How do we get findom "back to kink"?

There are three easy steps to help keep findom safe and fun.
Research your kinks! The best way to avoid abuse (or to not accidently sound abusive if new to the scene) is to have the knowledge to spot it! Remember, findom is a kink that is used in D/s dynamics. So, if you're interested in findom, research the findom kink and D/s dynamics. Ask yourself: 1) What is your Dom/sub style? 2) What type of Dom/sub do you want? 3)What type of D/s dynamic do you want? 4) What other kinks do you want involved in the dynamic? 5) Are you wanting Findom to be the main aspect of the dynamic? Make sure to research not only the kinks, but the kinksters you bring into your life. Vetting is important research tool to ensure the people you "play" with aren't abusers.The most important thing to remember in a D/s dynamic is that the sub holds all the power! The Dom/me may be in control, but the sub can take back control at anytime. A Dom/me can't dominate without a sub's permission!
Call out abusers and help the victims! If you see someone, regardless of title, acting in a way that isn't kink friendly and/or self-sabotaging, say something!
If you see subs on reddit or X saying something like "I know they're unethical, but I just want to keep sending money." Ask them if they need help. There are cases where subs can become addicted to sending money. This is usually because of loneliness, low self-esteem, low confidence, or are an actual victim of an abuse dynamic. Instead of putting the blame on them, offer them resources, a listening ear. Encourage them take a step back from Findom kink, focus on other kinks/hobbies, and come back when its safe.
If you see a Domme saying things like "I don't allow safe words," or "my subs don't get to choose a limit on how much they send." Call them out. Call them what they are, abusers. Don't let the abuse slide. Put them on blast and don't let up. Warn other Dommes and subs you see interacting with them.
Don't spread misinformation! Research things before you spout false information. Some people here findom and go crazy about it being "abusive, women abusing men, ect." Most of these people have no idea what the kink is and usually refuses to learn. (Note: if you've found yourself being victimized by an abuser, you have every right to be hurt and mad and call them out. But, don't lump the abuser in with the true Dom/mes and subs who safely engage findom kink.)
So, to recap: Findom is a valid kink where one gets sexual/mental pleasure from sending and/or recieving money. There are things we can do to prevent abuse (in any kink and dynamic) such as research and vetting, calling out abusers and helping victims, and not spreading misinformation.

☆ A brief discussion on findom and sex-work. Is Findom sex work? I would personally say its not. The transfer of money isn't for a product or service. Instead it's a form of control and power being given/taken by two consenting parties. Another thing is, being a Findom doesn't automatically make you a professional Dom/me. So, to me, no. It's not sex-work.

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*This statement is not to victim blame the person in the situation at all. It's more to bring attention to the fact that it is important to research kinks and vet the people involved in the dynamic before entering any type of dynamic, regardless of the kinks involved. You will find a lot of subs, especially newer ones, will jump right in without having proper knowledge to keep them safer.

** "Ethical Domme" is not truly a thing. All true Dom/mes follow a code of ethics and morals that keep them and their subs safe, regardless of kinks involved within the dynamic. That's what makes seperstes kinks from abuse. It's a way for the abusers to make "Unethical Dom/me" sound like a real Dom/me-style. (Note: The "Unethical Dommes"/abusers are usually referred to as "TikTok Dommes" because that's where the gained all their "knowledge" on kink without any real research of their own).

* Findom and tribute go hand in hand. Monitary tribute (and sends) is one of the main things that seperates findom dynamics from other D/s dynamics. Tribute is the initial act of a finsub handing over power to their Dom/me. That being said, I personally believe that tribute should only be sent after a sub deems a Dom/me compatible/worthy. This is where vetting comes in. Check their social media: see how they interact with people, what they like, what their style is. You can also have a chat with them first (Note: Some Findom/mes require tribute to approach them. Just be respectful and approach them how they say to). And same goes to Dom/mes seeking subs. Vet! Vet! Vet!