Asexuality, Anorgasmia, and My Sexual Journey
(Copied from my FetLife profile)
If you've read my profile you know that I am asexual and that I have anorgasmia.
So, what does that mean for me sexually? Let's start with my asexuality.
What does asexual mean? It is the lack of sexual attraction to others; low or absent interest is sex/sexual activities.
I struggled for the longest time as a teenager and young adult. I didn't find myself interested in sex or dating at all. And when I finally decided to lose my virginity, at age 22, to a guy I met on xbox, it gave me a confidence boost to start my sexual journey a little later (And start I did. 30+ people in a 6 month period). But, something was off. I didn't get horny. I didn't feel that sexual desires. I thought something was wrong with me. I didn't know that asexuality was a thing or that it even existed. Hell, it wouldn't be till a little later I found out about the world of BDSM (through a hook-up with a Dom) and started exploring it more later on, thanks to my bf. But, I finally realized that nothing was wrong with me. It was just who I was. It was just a part of me. It was my sexuality and it wasn't going anywhere. So, I learned to accept my asexuality, and in turn, accepted myself.
Being asexual isn't black and white. Many people, like myself, find it to be more of a spectrum that can change from day to day, moment to moment. I fluctuate from enjoying sexual acts being done to me and being straight repulsed by it and anywhere in between.
This does make being in a relationship slightly more difficult, but luckily my bf is supportive and we've found a great compromise. Even when I'm not feeling like "normal/vanilla" sex, I still find myself enjoying the D/s dynamic we have going. I find a mental pleasure in holding power over another human being. It's not sexual for me at that point. It's a head rush. It's a totally difference space in my mind apart from sex, even if sex (towards me; I always peg someone 😉) is still involved.
For me, my asexuality isn't a hold back at all. It's a part of me that I've grown fond of. It's something I've learned to use to my advantage by not having to worry about the horniness taking away from my task at hand. The same goes for having anorgasmia.
What is anorgasmia? I'm asked this question a lot. So, a quick definition: the difficulty reaching or not reaching orgasm at all, even with proper stimulation.
Now, full stop right here. Never treat a person's anorgasmia as a challenge. It's not a challenge. Never guilt trip them because you can't make them "finish". It's no one's fault. And it's not a jab at anyone's ego. It doesn't matter how many people you've made cum in the past. Anorgasmia doesn't just go away because you think you're the magic piece to the puzzle.
Now, back to me. How has my anorgasmia affected my sexual journey? We'll, at first, I thought something was wrong with me, same with the asexuality. Remember the 30+ people mentioned earlier? I was trying my damnest to reach climax. I tried men of all different sizes, roughness, and personality. Nothing worked. Not even when I met my now bf of 5+ years. We tried toys, bondage, dirty talk, ect. Nothing work. Here as of lately we've found things that make me reach climax, but they dont work 100% of the time. And my anorgasmia comes with another problem. My body is not as sensitive as a typical one would be. Simple touches, whispered words, and day dreams do nothing for me. It takes me a while to warm up and takes even longer to reach orgasm, if at all.
But, anorgasmia isn't a bad thing, at least not for me personally. It makes being a Domme easier. It also makes being a brat-sub easier. In both senerios I don't have to worry about climax taking away from my thought process during sex. I can stay one step ahead of my partner, which comes in handy whether I'm subbing or Domming.
I've also found that thanks to my anorgasmia, I have found the pleasure in the journey. The foreplay, where the build up takes place. Where I can get my partner under my spell. I can take them through the maze of pleasure, let them experience highs they never knew possible. I get the most extreme mental pleasure from this without sexual pleasure fogging my brain. I can keep hold of the reigns and stay level, even when we both make the jump into the fog of desire. Anorgasmia is a powerful tool if you know how to use it.
So, my asexuality and anorgasmia are what some would call "odd" aspects of me, especially when in the BDSM world. But, I find them endearing and powerful tools at my disposal. They've made my sexual journey and outlook more unique. They will forever be a part of me and I wouldn't change it for anything.