women cum first: the erotic as power
a lot of our success as dommes comes from a deep knowing of our desire, a confidence in those desires, and the unbridled allowance of pleasure as our greatest source of power.
but only if you know where it lives.
most women and dommes who struggle dance amidst the orgasm gap that leaves women dangerously behind in self pleasure. an orgasm gap is much more than just that. it’s a pleasure gap. a desire gap. a deep knowing gap. a commanding gap.
“when we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power of the erotic within ourselves, and allowing that power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense. for as we begin to recognize our deepest feelings, we begin to give up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society.” -audre lorde
as dommes, we wield power. we use the erotic, bending lust and pleasure to fit our needs and command from a place of deep knowing. we demand from a place that must not sell ourselves short. we withhold and deny male orgasms, using them to our advantage and for our gain.
but this only happens when a woman knows.
knows the power that her erotic holds. knows why cumming first and male submission is more than a kink — rather a lifestyle, a belief that only fits the natural order. knows her deepest needs and can name them clearly to those she is controlling.
at least, that’s one thing that sets the baby sex worker apart from the pro.
we are controlling. we are wielding, building, molding, and mending worlds — as creatives do. we are birthing new realities for ourselves and bringing submissives under our feet so they may walk us directly where we need to be.
being a female domme is an art that starts with needs prioritized in a world that constantly diminishes them.
women must cum first, and not just cum first but come first.
for many men (and women alike), sex is just sex. an orgasm is just an orgasm.
but for those in tune, the orgasm is the bedrock of pleasure and desire that helps us reach our wildest dreams.
in my early 20s, i got the phrase “chase what feels like sex” tattooed on my inner wrist. an ode to the wild dreams and desires — the orgasmic “yes” that lights me up. a reminder to pursue what feels deeply pleasurable and aligned.
i learned from the works of adrienne maree brown and audre lorde’s “uses of the erotic” and never looked back.
when prioritizing male desires, women often sacrifice their own.
but when you cut off sexual and orgasmic pleasure, or merely fulfill what the man, buyer or others want, you disassociate from pleasure at every level, from the root up. that makes it harder to go after what you want — to say your needs feverishly, to advocate for yourself, to be creative, to be confident, grounded, and pursue everything that feels right.
the erotic is a deep well of power that guides.
how you act in matters of what’s taboo and dark tells you a lot about your internal world.
the ability to ask for what you want, to be confident, to dominate, to go after it, to take risks, to make a change, to let go of suffering — it begins with your raw desire centered in the erotic. it’s revealed in the bed. it’s revealed in kink. it’s revealed in your domme style.
if that desire is blocked then we are only posturing, accumulating and furthering generational trauma. kink is a space that can be deeply liberating if you let it.
what good is being in sex work, claiming sexual liberation if you still can’t command your needs in and out of the bedroom, or in and outside of your body?
what good is sexual liberation and reclaiming your body as a woman under the patriarchy if you’re not also decentering men, embracing your body outside of sex, loudly and proudly saying no? commanding your orgasms and directing people there? not lying when sex isn’t good?
what good is sexual liberation when you still carry shame about being a sexual being? or when you struggle identifying your worth and operate in sex work with a lack mindset?
how can you be the best domme without doing the work that makes you to truly act as though you cum first in all areas of life?
the work is internal and it translates outward.
when you know your deepest, instinctual desires — which comes out in your body, your domming, and your sex — you chase desire inside and outside of the bedroom with a fierceness. you do not settle for mediocre because you know the depths of your orgasmic pleasure. you do not say sorry every time you bump someone. you do not apologize for feeling good in your skin and in your daily desires.
i always encourage young workers to read audre lorde and adrienne maree brown as much as i tell them the basic how-tos, so they may unlock their orgasmic power and translate it into their sex work and vanilla life.
i’ve lived a crazy liberating life, operate as a carefree being, and do what i want, dominate how i want, because of my deep understanding of the power my body holds and the pleasure available to me in my reclamation — when i uphold that i cum first, that my desires come first, that my pleasure and needs come first.
it runs deep. if you want to command and obtain what you want, you have to know, feel and embrace it on the deepest levels. the domme workshops can’t teach you that. only you can access and draw from it.
and in a world that tells women they can’t, i’m here to tell women they can come first. matter of fact, you HAVE to here.