Scrolling…

Scrolling as I do, I come across so many things. I come across pages of loved ones, lives being lived as I continue on my day. My day on the screen.

I see happy people, happy dynamics,
The jealousy gets the best of me and,
as my mind shifts tone,
so doesn’t the algorithm.

The happy turns to deeper meanings and tellings of pains and truths,
My mind races as I see things that are rare be held onto in different settings than they should.

As my mind slows down, one eventual thought crosses it.
“Am I meaningful to someone?”,
“Am I a rarity?“,
“Am I good at what I do?“,
“Am I someone, someone loves?”

The thoughts persist as the messages do. I block them out as I lose myself in a spiral,
One thats all too familiar,
as I’ve went down it before.

Does someone who messages me value me? Or do they see me as a way to pass the time?
It all becomes the same as numbness eats away.
I remember there was a time,
A time when I never thought about it.

Where I would just be single and alone,
Wanting nobody to be associated with me,
No one around. But in those moments, the loneliness stayed.

Something I knew was eventual,
I took sociology in high school,
Enough to know the basics.
And the basic was, humans are social creatures.
We seek out connection, attention, something because its how we are.
How I am, at my base level.

I wanted someone to hold me during those moments,
When life got too loud, too much.
So I looked for it in the wrong people.
In the people I was attracted to for all the wrong reasons.
They interested me but it wasn’t quite the same.
But their words held the same meaning,
They knew me.

Despite the pain, I wanted that.
I wanted to be special,
To be something to someone.
I still do in some level.
I want to be needed, to be wanted.
To be fought for and not given up.
I’d never give up someone so easily if they treated me right and if they tried to know me.

I thought I found them, was wrong, kept looking.
I never stopped looking in a lot of ways.
Trying to find emotional intimacy in some vein,
Here, try this vein, it hasn’t rolled yet.
Bleeding myself dry for all the wrong people.

Experimented, tried to see if I had issues,
I did, still do, tries to fix them.
But they keep popping up like moles.
When one is gone, another pops up.
But some of them aren’t even moles.
They’re small thoughts I had in the dead of night,
When I should’ve been asleep instead of thinking of a next morning in the distant future.

Sleeping with someone or someones that I would die for.
Shielding them from the world, as they’d do the same for me.
Caring for me, as I do for them.
An equal exchange system that works off of love and not lust.
Not a want to see what I have, but to see what I am.
The thought alone still makes me giddy,
The thought that someone would choose me, not as a way to get off or get fantasies fulfilled but a lover.

Someone who they see.
Someone who they WANT to see and make a effort to see daily.
Someone they want to be beside in every day, regardless if they run out of things to talk about.
Holding hands, telling each other things we love, and just existing in each others space.
A piece of heaven I might never get,
But it doesn’t stop me from wondering.

Wondering if it’ll ever come,
if I’ll be able to meet someone.
Be able to hold their hand,
Hug them,
Address them by a petname,
Devote myself to them as they do the same.

And I fall asleep all the same.
Just to repeat it all over again until I find them.
And I know it when I will find them.
They’ll know it too.
At least, I can only hope so.